Wow. That's the last time I'm going to see most of my friends, at least until I happen across them on a holiday, and it's still not sinking in.

Yesterday afternoon, I got quite a shock as I ransacked my bookshelf, dividing it into books I would bring with me, books I would sell to Half-Price Books, and books I would leave behind so that a parent could send them to me if I found my dorm was large enough. It started to sink in that hey, these books will no longer be a part of my life. All these books, whose presence I took for granted, would suddenly be gone. In such a small dorm room, would I really need my French translations of Harry Potter? Much less copies of both US and UK versions. I haven't reread anything in my Dave Barry collection recently; can I bear to part with it? Wow, here's a book I've been intending to read, but haven't picked it up yet. And A Clockwork Orange? Fantastic book. Like hell I'm giving it away. But do I need it with me in college?

I started organizing things along the lines of "If my house burned down in a fire tomorrow, what would I be sad about losing? And what would I not even notice had gone?" I instantly set aside my autographed copies of Coraline and Good Omens, then just as quickly returned them to the "staying home" stack. I have another copy of Good Omens, let's take that so that I don't run the risk of damaging it during shipping. But what if Terry Pratchett comes to NY to sign for his next book? I'll want it doublesigned, won't I? But I suppose my mom could send it to me in time if that happened, seeing as TP's American tours are a big deal because they NEVER HAPPEN. It stays home.

The fierce internal debate raged on for most of the afternoon. Then I went to Matt's house, for Final Shenanigans. Are you connecting this, brain? I won't see Matt or Luke or Brian or Megan or Jen again for quite some time. And Mackenzie and Chungy and so many others that you *didn't* get to hang out with last night. Think of how upset you got parting with some of your books. These are PEOPLE we're talking about. Maybe, I rationalized, it hasn't registered because I still have another week at home, so the idea college hasn't quite hit me full-force yet. But giving everybody goodbye hugs, my Shoulder Demon observed nastily that hey, it's sunk in regarding my books.

My mom tells me that it's good that I'm so independent and able to entertain myself, whereas my sister had to be constantly spending time with friends. That's not independence, mother. I spend all my time with my friends on the internet. In fact I'm DEPENDENT on my friends online. But wherever I am, the internet stays with me. I'll always have my friends there. They won't move away from me. They go off to other colleges, but I'll still get to be with them every day.

The internet is my security blanket.

And though the dynamic is different, I'll still be able to communicate with my real life friends through the net. Maybe that's why I started getting resentful of Matt's pool and dinner and a movie parties. Let the separation from this group of friends be gradual, I thought. Matt clearly wanted as much time with us as possible before he left, but I wanted the opposite. Get used to the new online dynamic now, because that's all you'll get in the future. It's a horrible, stilted view of the world, but hey, it works for me. I'd miss out on all the fun we have together, conversing over dinner and t00bing about in the pool, but I'd also save myself the pain of separating from such good friends and losing that dynamic with them.

I guess there's nothing left to do now but figure it out as I go along. This entry is long enough, and I have to go resell my books.